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Mar. 4th, 2007 @ 11:50 pm
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And just when I'm least expecting it, it comes up to bite me. Hard. Even though we've "figured it all out," I still don't know what to think of it. Frankly, I don't think I deserve this. I didn't ask for it in any way, shape, or form, and had gotten past it a long time ago, and I had nothing to do with it this time. Yet I have to deal with it. But how, for the love of God, how? I can't even talk about it with anyone, and I can only be vague about it here, but the last person I want guiding my thoughts on this is me. Whatever prayers I have yielded up haven't produced anything. I'm still pretty disturbed by it, and I'm trying to figure out how to be angry but forgiving at the same time. We'll see how this works. |
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Feb. 22nd, 2007 @ 12:05 am
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I spent Sunday night curled up on a bean bag chair in Sterling and Matt's living room. Why? Because I was still drunk from going to the Sloop with Sterling, Zack, Hillary, John, and Jeremy. Good beer is the sweet nectar of life. Friends are good too, especially when you realize that they really do care about you, and you care about them. Friendship is a hard thing to define, but I really feel that it has to do with opening up ones self to another, allowing them to share enough of your story, and you of theirs, that a caring connection is made. What implications does that have? It means that we must be vulnerable to judgment, ridicule, and even affection.
No matter how much I pray to God to fix me, it seems like I fall back into the same old pattern. I think I know what it means to die to yourself is to live in Christ. I pray everyday that God release me from the temptations. Bonhoeffer teaches that Christian prayer must focused on God, with Christ as our mediator. When we pray to God in simple language, we release ourselves from the temptation to catch the attention of others or even ourselves, allowing us to pray only to God and align ourselves with his will. So how do we pray in this simple and focused way? With Christ as our mediator, having full reign in our hearts. I think that is exactly where my problem lies. I am praying to myself. I point out my own sins, focusing on them rather than on God. I mediate my own prayer, and in doing so, I answer it. It is my prayer, not Jesus'. I need to change my focus. |
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Is it really possible to just have a girl who's a friend? A real friendship without one person liking the other? I think I found one, but then there's always your other friends bugging you about when you're going to start 'dating.' Why is this so hard? And why is it even harder to move past a friendship?Current Music: Abbey Road |
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...It's done...
*stares into the distance* |
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I feel like a soldier who's lost his composure. I've forgotten what I'm fighting for, and the things that mattered to me I've stopped caring about. I've just got too much school work to care about the rest. It's almost like I'm drowning, and can't catch hold to my beliefs to save myself. Maybe once I get back into the groove of things, it will get better. I thought the roadtrip would get me going again. It did in a way, but now that I'm back in school and friends are put on the back burner, all the promises I made to myself went to the wayside as well. I'm even purposely avoiding a few, and it seems like the commitment I make to go through with them has drained away. I'm not even sure if I can blame myself for that, but it seems like all my hopes and dreams for this year have been shoved to the side by responsibility and diligence. Any ideals of romance, leisure, and adventure are going to have to wait, kind of negating the fact that they are ideals in the first place. So much for being a liberal.
So what can I do about it? Should I just let school control my entire life? Should I just forget my ideals? I can't bring myself to fully do that; it would be betraying who I am, my convictions. Should I reach for my ideals and shirk off schoolwork when needed? Should I even take my parents up on their offer and have them pay for everything? I don't really think that any of those are great solutions (though not having to work at Zeeks anymore is tempting). Should I just take the middle road, a little bit of everything? Somehow I'm reluctant to change the way things are going. I see my friends often enough, I'm truly enjoying my Theology classes, I'm working hard, building character, and losing sleep. But I still need to find a new direction. I know where I want to be headed academically, but what about the other areas of my life? God only knows, cause if I think about this any longer this assignment will never get finished.Current Music: Willie Nelson |
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There are few things that are truly beautiful in this world, and most of us are too blind to see them.
I went for a walk at Discovery Park tonight, for the umpteenth time. The moon was out in all its glory, it is not often you can see the clear outline of your shadow at 10:30 on a January night. I turned to Gomez on my iPod and headed out for the cliffs, listening closely to the lyrics. I already knew what I was going to be thinking about. All I could do was postpone it until later, so I thought about all be people who have gone on that walk with me. Miles and I always had a good talk. Courtney went on it with me too... all I really remember is her getting creeped out by the old army houses, and that I was annoyed that we had to turn back because a friend need to be consoled about something I didn't understand, and still don't understand all to well but wish I did. And then there was Annie. We walked down below the bluff, sat in the sand, and flirted and talked about who we liked. I'm glad she's getting married, but I sure miss hanging out with her.
It was cold, but not too windy. I was wearing the shell I got for Christmas; it isn't insulated well, but I'm a warm bodied soul, so all I really needed was protection from the wind to stay warm, especially while walking. I started thinking about the direction my life was going. I need to do some reevaluation of how I am doing... I thought I was going in a good direction, and I thought I was doing a good job keeping it on track, but I guess not. Maybe life got too good and I forgot what my prayers were for. Maybe I just stopped striving to be better.
The cliffs were worth the walk. The sky was mostly clear, the stars were out, the mud-flats were visible, the ferries were going to and from the island, the city lights made the clouds that were in the sky almost sunset-esque, and everything was reflected off of the smooth water. Then I inevitably starting wishing that she was there with me to enjoy this. It is funny how I would rather step out in front of a truck than ask her to do so. I turned my thumb raw while lighting up a bowl of Whiskey Cavendish with the Bic. Then that old familiar buzz as the tobacco hits the lungs, but the bowl is out soon, so I light up another that I burn thorough just as quickly. It was getting cold and Gomez was over by then, so I turned to Pedro the Lion and headed back for the car. His lyrics are old and familiar, but there is a reason he is considered one of the top 100 lyricists of all time.
Jan. 3rd, 2007 @ 09:33 pm
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| » Everytime. |
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Why can't we make up our minds? First we wanted to go down the coast from the 26th to the 3rd. Then we wanted to go to Banff, Alberta and sleep in a hostel. Then we wanted to snowshoe in 10 miles to a fire lookout perched 40 ft off the ground. Now we're back to camping down the coast, but only from the 26th through the 30th. I love my friends, but sometimes I want to kill them. I don't even really care where we go or what we do anymore, let's just go somewhere and get away for more than just a couple days. All I want is a good solid trip to somewhere I haven't been where I can get lost and have an adventure. At least this trip is happening... every other trip seemed like a pipe-dream, destined to be a figment of the imagination.
There is something that I want. If I reach out and try to grab it, there is ultimately one of two outcomes. Either I lose something that is very important to me, or I could gain something that could potentially change the rest of my life. But I need to be ready. I need to be prepared to make a commitment to this thing, and I need to make sure that I am not doing it for myself... but I'm not even sure if that is possible. And there are questions that are still running through my head. Am I ready? Am I good enough? Is it the right time? I think I've come to the point where no amount of prayer or mental preparation can help prepare me for this, and the more I think about this the worse it gets.
The last two days have been busy but fun. Ellen came back from Michigan and crashed on my couch after playing some Wii and getting pretty buzzed on peppermint schnaaps and hot cocoa. This morning I drove Julia to work, deposited my paycheck, dropped off the keys to the truck at work (oops), and then dropped off the car at the shop and walked home. Then Betty Anne and mom picked me up and we met up with Ellen and saw the Dead Sea Scrolls, then went out for Thai and down to SeaTac to drop off Ellen's rental car. And then... I crashed on my couch and watched There's Something About Mary. I'll just add Cameron Diez to my list of movie star crushes.
The Royal Tenenbaums is a really good movie. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it's a real piece of modern art. Comedy, drama, and tragedy all wrapped up in a stylized yet meaningful medium in a way that gets down to the center of the issue of family.
Dec. 21st, 2006 @ 12:14 am
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| » Nope. |
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Not gonna do it.
Dec. 13th, 2006 @ 09:49 pm
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| » That's the last time a make a wager with God... |
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he keeps winning and I'm going mentally broke.
I'm now officially a History minor. I also think it's been long enough since reading about Admiralty Inlet that I think I can start doing it again without going postal. I've also started to seriously look at graduate school applications. I already know I don't qualify for U of Edinburgh, but I think for U of Glasgow and St. Andrew's, I'm good to go. Now it's just a question of where else and when?
I have so many trips I'm excited for. A week of driving with Miles, a trip to Michigan, a trip to the Mediterranean, and then moving to Scotland for a few years. But what the hell am I supposed to do after that?
Dec. 11th, 2006 @ 06:30 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Just when I thought Robert Gates was going to be the answer to some of our problems by admitting that we weren't winning the war in Iraq, he backtracks and says America is winning the war, but everyone else is losing it for us. Awesome, all we need is another tool of the Bush administration. For all you Bush lovers, remember: all we gotta do is stay the course. That way we can fuck it up even more so Haliburton can earn even more money, but use everyone else as a scapegoat. Kerry may not have been the best choice, but he wasn't corrupt and he wasn't a stubborn arrogant bastard. Now Bush is denying taking advice from his dad about policy regarding Iraq. WHY IS IT SO WRONG TO TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT!? Be a man Bush, and don't act like you have the answers to all of the world's problems. You don't. You and your party suck at diplomacy, you suck at being morally virtuous, you suck at helping the economy, and you suck at choosing competent people to help you run the government. It is due time you start taking advice from others before you do anymore damage.
Dec. 5th, 2006 @ 11:37 pm
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achamilton's journal